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Last week I was trapped on an airplane. Okay, I wasn’t trapped. But I was on it. For several hours with no book, no wifi and I had watched my last downloaded episode of Shameless (cue Louis CK, “everything is perfect and nobody’s happy.”- If you haven’t seen that clip, watch it.) In search of some entertainment I began to sort through the seat pocket in front of me, stumbling upon the token issue of SkyMall. I went with that over the emergency procedures card because, after all, ignorance is bliss. I fell so in love with SkyMall that I need to discuss it with you immediately.
Before we begin, let’s quickly address the fact that the president of the company’s name is Chrisine Aguilera. That is not to be confused with Christina Aguilera. How many times a day do you think she has to explain this to people. “No, really, Christine Aguilera. Yeah. I know. I get that a lot.”
What is the story with SkyMall? Do people take this magazine home and order from it when they get there? Does a vacuum cleaner you wear on your back look as good when you are no longer in flight? Who chooses the products for a publication so important, it’s the only thing available in plane jail? And what is the criteria for products making it into the magazine. What is the conversation back at the SkyMall offices?
“I think this portable inflatable movie screen is a hot item, and let’s put it right next to a nightshirt that says ‘This is my sexy lingerie’, because a person who wants one will most certainly want the other.”
I’m fascinated by the logic.
There is even a website to shop from. When you are off the plane and you can shop anywhere, who is saying, “I think i’m gonna do some shopping on SkyMall.com.” I am not judging, I just really want to know.
Let’s quickly break down some of the items because I bet you will love them as much as I do.
Bed Bug Thwarting Cocoon
Okay. I can barely sleep with a top sheet, let alone wrap myself in some type of body bag. What is the inner voice on this situation?
“This is a beautiful hotel room with 2000 thread Egyptian cotton sheets but i’m just gonna hop into my cocoon of terror real quick before I get too comfortable.”
What if you are traveling as a couple?
“Honey, please, it’s our honeymoon. Come out of there and cuddle with me.”
“Sorry babe. I gotta thwart these bed bugs. There’s only room in here for one person. It’s everyone for themselves.”
“Protect yourself and your family from harmful germs found in your home, while you travel or in public places.” This UV light wand promises to kill “harmful bacteria.” Wait, are people this neurotic? I guess the person who bought the Bed Bug Thwarting Cocoon might be. I would pay good money to see a man turn to his family and say, “Stand back honey, I got this. You stay with the kids.”
“I’m scared dad!”
“Don’t be scared. I’ve got the wand.”
If you are this paranoid, may the force be with you. Put down the light saber Luke Skywalker and just enjoy your life. For real.
This one speaks for itself. I don’t think I need to write anything about it, other than i’d like to point out that you can go to the SkyMall website and watch the video. So yeah. If you are looking to watch something fascinating…go for it. Crickets.
A steal at only $695 this helmet let’s you use the advanced technology of laser hair growth right from your own home? First of all, I’m no scientist, but I thought it was laser hair removal. Second of all, let’s talk about when one might wear this. Are they sitting watching TV? Having dinner with the family? Maybe masturbating to porn on the internet? One picture has a man reading and the other a lady working. How unbelievably awkward would it be if you walked into someones office and that just happened to be on their head? Are people ashamed by this item and wearing it privately? Or are they wearing it proudly like Iron Man? If anyone owns this, please e-mail me because I want to Skype with you. Seeing someone actually wear it would be one of the most memorable days of my life.
Superior Comfort Bed Lounger
Come on America. How lazy have we become that you can’t even get up and walk to the sofa? You have to build one around you in bed? Get up! Walk to the couch. You can use the circulation. Where do you even keep all those parts? I have to assume in a closet somewhere. By the time you have walked the closet, you might as well have walked to a chair. Just sayin’.
The Upright Sleeper
This product boasts you will “sleep like a baby while sitting up”. A baby who has gotten their head stuck in the railing. What about this looks relaxing? It looks like some type of torture device, or a device used to protect a broken neck. Am I missing something here? Does this look comfy?
“I’m just gonna snuggle up with these bars strangling me.” Yeah. Now that I talked it out, I guess I could see it. Blink, blink, rapid blink.
And finally we come to the last item i’d like to discuss. I found this one on the website. Yes…I went to the website. I can admit it. I needed more SkyMall.
The Comfort-U Pillow
Now this item, I get. It looks totally comfortable. But I do have some questions for the creative director on this shoot. The lady in the picture is sleeping and holding a rose at the same time. When does that happen? I’m asking seriously. Does it? It’s not even dangling out of her hand. She has a pretty tight grip on that thing, which I would have to imagine would come loose as she slept. And by the way, Poison said it best: “Every rose has it’s thorn.” Don’t the thorns on the rose reduce the comfort you may be gaining by sleeping on such a pillow? One has to wonder.
SkyMall, keep the in-flight entertainment coming. Wait. It is meant to be entertainment right?
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Below is my first Darcy Dates entry written in April of 2010. One of My favorites so I thought I would bring it out of the archives. In this entry I refer to myself as Darcy as it was written when I was still using my pen name.
It was a beautiful spring day. I had just had lunch with one of my current beau’s, a man I am casually dating whom I am taking it incredibly slow with and whom I see once every other week or so. On the off weeks, we schedule dates, but I usually cancel. Having texted all morning in between appointments with a new client in the village, he invites me to an impromptu lunch date by my office to where I have just returned.
I pick a nice restaurant that will remain nameless which has excellent food and a great atmosphere, but is a bit more low profile than some of the other high-profile lunch haunts on Madison avenue where I can possibly run into someone at any time. Dating as a mom in New York City is funny like that. I don’t want to be very public about it, especially since Manhattan is the smallest town in the world. Everyone knows everyone and everyone has gone to camp, college, teen tours, their kids are in the same class, etc, etc, etc.- before you know it, your date is over before it even began because your best friends cousin dated this guy when they were 20 and he never called her back and has been forever labeled a player and everyone absolutely FORBIDS you to even go for coffee with this terrible man.
I sit down at the table and wait. Suddenly some friends of mine are seated at the very next table. I smile politely and plant my face in the menu, hoping that they don’t notice I am meeting…gasp…a date. My date shows up and as always its very “nice”. We exchange some witty banter, I tell some inappropriate stories. He looks at me in admiration as I sprinkle my conversation with the word tits and polish off my glass of Sauvignon Blanc, which is really his chardonnay but I didn’t want to make a big deal about it (even though I don’t love chardonnay). He asks me out for next week. I say yes, knowing inside I may possibly cancel.
He is a bit short for me and when I wear heels he seems exactly my height, if not an inch shorter which is usually a deal breaker for me. I will divulge this early. I am tall and I love to wear heels on a date. I am used to dating very very tall men so my short isn’t always someone else’s short, but everything is relative. I would prefer borderline obese to short when it comes to the men I date, but this is a nice guy, and surprisingly funny. He has an unexpected tattoo on his forearm and for an upper east side money manager that is rare. I am pleasantly surprised to learn this at dinner one night. It makes me like him more since I believe it gives him the edge I think he is missing.
I say goodbye to him outside the restaurant and head down Madison to my next appointment with my new client. I have a spring in my step. Maybe its the new client, maybe its the chardonnay. I just had a surprisingly good lunch date with a guy who really likes me and I don’t totally dislike. Either way, I am feeling good and nothing can bring me down.
Suddenly a woman walks by me. She is dressed sensibly. She seems to be in her late forties. She takes 2 steps back and stops me.
“Excuse me!” she says. “Your aura! It’s incredible! I can see it all around you shining bright!”
Now, I am a believer of the supernatural and have nothing against a good psychic reading, so she happened to pick the right girl.
“Really?” I say. Beaming. Maybe things are looking up for me, I think to myself.
“Yes! They are sending me so many messages for you!”
I am not sure who this proverbial “they” is, but I like it just as much. I will take any “they”. I will take “they” the doorman’s union. I will take “they” the people that play farmville. I will take it. It sounds positive.
“I am India! What is your name?”
“Darcy!” I say, hoping this will send more messages from the “they.”
Before I know it she shuffles me to the side on the sidewalk.
“The messages are so strong! They are sending you messages. I need to get them to you. They said you are here on this earth to do incredible things! They said you are here to break new ground and this world hasn’t seen the best of you yet.”
I eat of each spoonful of crap she is feeding me, trying to decipher its meaning even though somewhere deep inside she is a whack job. Suddenly she reaches into her fanny pack. Yes, she had on a fanny pack, which now makes me wonder why I describe her as sensibly dressed, though fanny packs are hands free and in a sense sensible no? She takes out a tiny black bag. I can see where this is going. She pulls out stones, I think psychics call them ruins, but maybe I am confusing psychics with archaeologists at this point. She tells me she is going to give me a quick reading.
“Is this going to cost me money?” I ask.
“Well people pay me, if you want you can.” She says with her intense smile and crazy eyes.
“I have no money and I am actually on a way to a meeting. I should get going.” At this point I realize this is all a scam and I am trying to extract myself from the steps of the church I am somehow sitting on at this point. I always think I would not help the man try to find his puppy, but maybe I am that girl.
“That’s okay” she pleads, “I will walk you to the nearest ATM machine.”
Is this woman kidding me? We have gone from Madison avenue to deliverance in 40 seconds flat.
“No, I am fine, you aren’t walking me to an ATM machine.”
Suddenly India goes from dear lady you would like as your nanny to crazy grifter with a fanny pack in a flash. She screams to me in desperation,
“They are sending me messages you need to hear, you have an infection inside that is turning into cancer in your vagina! I can’t believe they did this to you.”
“Listen up!” I say “This started off very positive and is suddenly more creepy than carneys. I am walking away and don’t want you to say another word.”
“This is positive. I am telling you how to cure yourself of the cancer in your vagina.”
She keeps screaming to me about my cancerous vagina as I walk away as quickly as possible, knowing she is crazy but thinking I need to call my gyno asap.
Fitting I think to myself. It’s all fun and games til someone tells you your vagina has cancer. And as I heard many times before, the SNL theme song of Debbie Downer plays in my head. Wah wahhhh.
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