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Last week I was trapped on an airplane. Okay, I wasn’t trapped. But I was on it. For several hours with no book, no wifi and I had watched my last downloaded episode of Shameless (cue Louis CK, “everything is perfect and nobody’s happy.”- If you haven’t seen that clip, watch it.) In search of some entertainment I began to sort through the seat pocket in front of me, stumbling upon the token issue of SkyMall. I went with that over the emergency procedures card because, after all, ignorance is bliss. I fell so in love with SkyMall that I need to discuss it with you immediately.
Before we begin, let’s quickly address the fact that the president of the company’s name is Chrisine Aguilera. That is not to be confused with Christina Aguilera. How many times a day do you think she has to explain this to people. “No, really, Christine Aguilera. Yeah. I know. I get that a lot.”
What is the story with SkyMall? Do people take this magazine home and order from it when they get there? Does a vacuum cleaner you wear on your back look as good when you are no longer in flight? Who chooses the products for a publication so important, it’s the only thing available in plane jail? And what is the criteria for products making it into the magazine. What is the conversation back at the SkyMall offices?
“I think this portable inflatable movie screen is a hot item, and let’s put it right next to a nightshirt that says ‘This is my sexy lingerie’, because a person who wants one will most certainly want the other.”
I’m fascinated by the logic.
There is even a website to shop from. When you are off the plane and you can shop anywhere, who is saying, “I think i’m gonna do some shopping on SkyMall.com.” I am not judging, I just really want to know.
Let’s quickly break down some of the items because I bet you will love them as much as I do.
Bed Bug Thwarting Cocoon
Okay. I can barely sleep with a top sheet, let alone wrap myself in some type of body bag. What is the inner voice on this situation?
“This is a beautiful hotel room with 2000 thread Egyptian cotton sheets but i’m just gonna hop into my cocoon of terror real quick before I get too comfortable.”
What if you are traveling as a couple?
“Honey, please, it’s our honeymoon. Come out of there and cuddle with me.”
“Sorry babe. I gotta thwart these bed bugs. There’s only room in here for one person. It’s everyone for themselves.”
“Protect yourself and your family from harmful germs found in your home, while you travel or in public places.” This UV light wand promises to kill “harmful bacteria.” Wait, are people this neurotic? I guess the person who bought the Bed Bug Thwarting Cocoon might be. I would pay good money to see a man turn to his family and say, “Stand back honey, I got this. You stay with the kids.”
“I’m scared dad!”
“Don’t be scared. I’ve got the wand.”
If you are this paranoid, may the force be with you. Put down the light saber Luke Skywalker and just enjoy your life. For real.
This one speaks for itself. I don’t think I need to write anything about it, other than i’d like to point out that you can go to the SkyMall website and watch the video. So yeah. If you are looking to watch something fascinating…go for it. Crickets.
A steal at only $695 this helmet let’s you use the advanced technology of laser hair growth right from your own home? First of all, I’m no scientist, but I thought it was laser hair removal. Second of all, let’s talk about when one might wear this. Are they sitting watching TV? Having dinner with the family? Maybe masturbating to porn on the internet? One picture has a man reading and the other a lady working. How unbelievably awkward would it be if you walked into someones office and that just happened to be on their head? Are people ashamed by this item and wearing it privately? Or are they wearing it proudly like Iron Man? If anyone owns this, please e-mail me because I want to Skype with you. Seeing someone actually wear it would be one of the most memorable days of my life.
Superior Comfort Bed Lounger
Come on America. How lazy have we become that you can’t even get up and walk to the sofa? You have to build one around you in bed? Get up! Walk to the couch. You can use the circulation. Where do you even keep all those parts? I have to assume in a closet somewhere. By the time you have walked the closet, you might as well have walked to a chair. Just sayin’.
The Upright Sleeper
This product boasts you will “sleep like a baby while sitting up”. A baby who has gotten their head stuck in the railing. What about this looks relaxing? It looks like some type of torture device, or a device used to protect a broken neck. Am I missing something here? Does this look comfy?
“I’m just gonna snuggle up with these bars strangling me.” Yeah. Now that I talked it out, I guess I could see it. Blink, blink, rapid blink.
And finally we come to the last item i’d like to discuss. I found this one on the website. Yes…I went to the website. I can admit it. I needed more SkyMall.
The Comfort-U Pillow
Now this item, I get. It looks totally comfortable. But I do have some questions for the creative director on this shoot. The lady in the picture is sleeping and holding a rose at the same time. When does that happen? I’m asking seriously. Does it? It’s not even dangling out of her hand. She has a pretty tight grip on that thing, which I would have to imagine would come loose as she slept. And by the way, Poison said it best: “Every rose has it’s thorn.” Don’t the thorns on the rose reduce the comfort you may be gaining by sleeping on such a pillow? One has to wonder.
SkyMall, keep the in-flight entertainment coming. Wait. It is meant to be entertainment right?
Go buy the New York Post today and check out my piece on Host Committee!